Marriage may be the end of singlehood, but that
does not mean that you will never feel lonely again.
Companionship brings the potential to spend the
rest of your life with someone, but your partner
may not always be available for comfort or support
when you feel lonely. When things start to go sour
and you feel your spouse pulling away, it can be
hard to relive the feeling of loneliness that you
thought you’d never face again.
But there are five things to understand about
loneliness and marriage that can help when you
are feeling lost in love:
1. Loneliness starts with you
Being lonely begins as an internal disconnection,
and spreads outward.
You may in fact have a neglectful and unavailable
spouse, but this by itself does not lead to feelings
of loneliness. There is a good chance that if you are
feeling lonely by yourself, you will also feel lonely
with a companion. And likewise, if you are
comfortable and secure on your own, you will also
feel this way with or without a partner, of any
quality.
So let’s start with these initial feelings first, and
move further into this lonely marriage.
2. Connection can come from anywhere
Looking for connection and companionship solely
from your spouse puts a lot of pressure on them to
provide you with what an entire community really
should be.
Your community can come from your friends,
family and co-workers and spending time with
them.
Finding a new hobby, meeting new people, or
having fun all by yourself can also foster feelings of
security on your own. Then, whether or not your
husband wants to enjoy your company as well is
more of a bonus.
3. Get centered and then reach out
Find your inner peace and balance before you go
reaching out for something external to stabilize
you.
Take a respite from the world and get back in touch
with your true self. Go to your Higher Power or
prayer, do yoga or meditate, take a walk in the park
or on the beach. This will help your feelings of
loneliness subside when you reconnect with the
forces of nature, and understand the
interconnectedness of everything around you.
4. Never reel in your line
Once you have grounded yourself through inner
connectedness, make sure to cast a line to your
partner and let them know you still need them as
well.
Even if they rebuff or ignore you, never fully pull
away from a spouse that is no longer engaging with
you in an affectionate way. This will only help build
walls between you two, and perpetuate the kind of
marriage you do not want.
5. Build the relationship you want
Instead of pulling away due to anger,
disappointment or hurt, let your partner know how
much you would like to regain the intimate and
affectionate life you once shared.
Express your frustration, but word it in a way that
invites promise, hope and change. For example,
say something like “I really miss you, and I’m hurt
that we’re not as close as we used to be. I love you
so much, and I want you in my life.” Avoid blaming
and complaining, as this invites defensiveness and
dismissal.
Reengaging with a distant partner can take time
and patience, as well as some personal growth. Be
willing to look at your own needs and actions, not
just as what your spouse is doing, or what he is
trying to accomplish with his distance.
Try to understand the motivation on both sides;
what you both are trying to gain.
First, once you know you’ve put your best foot
forward and no longer feel lonely within yourself
look to your partner. Recognize your partner’s
neglect and distance without feeding into it or
taking it on as your own shortcoming. Then you
can begin to address the issues in the marriage
itself, outside of you.
does not mean that you will never feel lonely again.
Companionship brings the potential to spend the
rest of your life with someone, but your partner
may not always be available for comfort or support
when you feel lonely. When things start to go sour
and you feel your spouse pulling away, it can be
hard to relive the feeling of loneliness that you
thought you’d never face again.
But there are five things to understand about
loneliness and marriage that can help when you
are feeling lost in love:
1. Loneliness starts with you
Being lonely begins as an internal disconnection,
and spreads outward.
You may in fact have a neglectful and unavailable
spouse, but this by itself does not lead to feelings
of loneliness. There is a good chance that if you are
feeling lonely by yourself, you will also feel lonely
with a companion. And likewise, if you are
comfortable and secure on your own, you will also
feel this way with or without a partner, of any
quality.
So let’s start with these initial feelings first, and
move further into this lonely marriage.
2. Connection can come from anywhere
Looking for connection and companionship solely
from your spouse puts a lot of pressure on them to
provide you with what an entire community really
should be.
Your community can come from your friends,
family and co-workers and spending time with
them.
Finding a new hobby, meeting new people, or
having fun all by yourself can also foster feelings of
security on your own. Then, whether or not your
husband wants to enjoy your company as well is
more of a bonus.
3. Get centered and then reach out
Find your inner peace and balance before you go
reaching out for something external to stabilize
you.
Take a respite from the world and get back in touch
with your true self. Go to your Higher Power or
prayer, do yoga or meditate, take a walk in the park
or on the beach. This will help your feelings of
loneliness subside when you reconnect with the
forces of nature, and understand the
interconnectedness of everything around you.
4. Never reel in your line
Once you have grounded yourself through inner
connectedness, make sure to cast a line to your
partner and let them know you still need them as
well.
Even if they rebuff or ignore you, never fully pull
away from a spouse that is no longer engaging with
you in an affectionate way. This will only help build
walls between you two, and perpetuate the kind of
marriage you do not want.
5. Build the relationship you want
Instead of pulling away due to anger,
disappointment or hurt, let your partner know how
much you would like to regain the intimate and
affectionate life you once shared.
Express your frustration, but word it in a way that
invites promise, hope and change. For example,
say something like “I really miss you, and I’m hurt
that we’re not as close as we used to be. I love you
so much, and I want you in my life.” Avoid blaming
and complaining, as this invites defensiveness and
dismissal.
Reengaging with a distant partner can take time
and patience, as well as some personal growth. Be
willing to look at your own needs and actions, not
just as what your spouse is doing, or what he is
trying to accomplish with his distance.
Try to understand the motivation on both sides;
what you both are trying to gain.
First, once you know you’ve put your best foot
forward and no longer feel lonely within yourself
look to your partner. Recognize your partner’s
neglect and distance without feeding into it or
taking it on as your own shortcoming. Then you
can begin to address the issues in the marriage
itself, outside of you.
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